Return to TOC

Previous: Calm Before The Storm - Page 2

The Calm Before The Storm

I discovered that a lot of the books are not exactly what I was looking for. Most were general custody books, and the few I read that were supposed to be specific for Dads didn’t provide that much specific information. Others were full of general questions, forms you can fill out (which may or may not be binding and your lawyer will rewrite anyway), sample pages for journal entries, etc. Some contained things that I would have ended up having to spend more money on, but did not steer me in any particular direction.

I was growing tired and getting frustrated with all of the various custody books I was reading. I gave up and relied on my own hard research. I was totally freaking out and needed some reassurance that I was not fighting a losing battle from the start. I found out that it is not impossible for a good Dad to win a contested custody battle. I discovered that the common misconception that "Mom will always win" results in a lot of Dads just giving up and walking away without a fight.

The web is a great free resource for doing research but you have to be careful. I am glad that I was able to find so much publicly available information, but validating it was very difficult. It takes time to weed through the garbage to find the stuff that is really helpful. I spent most of my research time trying to find cases that were similar to mine and reading the outcome and opinions from appeals courts. I applied applicable information, but above all else I eventually learned to consult with, and take the advice of, my lawyer. You are paying your lawyer to do more than file paperwork; you are buying an expert opinion that can walk you through this maze. What else did I find out?

I found statistics that indicate that the outcome of custody battles is moving towards 50/50, then another that Mothers win more, then another that Dads win more often when they actually contest custody. Very frustrating research indeed and nothing that was giving my confidence a boost. But there was still a nagging voice in the back of my mind. What can I do to improve my chances? Can she just take my son during one of her visits and not return him to me? Should I work and put him in daycare? What if she snatched him and leaves the country? These are the sorts of questions that would haunt me.

When I found something useful, I took careful notes so that I could refer back to the information. I have a nasty habit of self-doubt. I would begin to get confident and start feeling good about my situation. Then an hour or so later, I would start having grave doubts about my chance for success.

Maybe it is a good thing to be somewhat doubtful and afraid of the unknown. Either way it is enough to drive you mad - Although this fear did keep me on my toes. Laying your life out in front of lawyers and a judge and letting them determine how you are going to live it is scary. Remember the old adage that courage is controlled fear. Fear can be good - Be scared but strong.

You are going to need courage and strength because you could be in for a long process. Sometimes it seemed like nothing was happening. She was gone, I was in the marital home with our child and I wanted it to be over and done with. My state requires a 12 month separation before a divorce will be granted if there were children born as a result of the marriage. I think this is a built in cooling off period to see if you might be able to resolve your situation and stay together. Take the period and cool off, but don’t let your guard down. If you are separated, there is probably a good reason.

After the initial dust had settled, I realized that I should have had a plan of action to follow.

Next: A Note of Caution