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Previous: A Note of Caution

Preparations

It is impossible to script your life, but you must plan when thinking about major life altering events. One recent weekend, I took a trip to visit some friends and we were discussing events that have happened over the past few years. Things have happened in our respective lives that none of us could have anticipated. My favorite observation out of that discussion was “Life is what happens when you are preparing for something else.”

Our society increasingly favors instant gratification. Tired of your car? Get a new one. Tired of your house? Move. Getting a divorce is a serious matter and should not be entered into lightly, but some people treat their marriage just like the other things in their life. You can’t just wake up one morning and decide, “I think I’ll get a divorce.” Some people do seem to do it though, and they exit the marriage just as quickly as they entered.

Surprise is a terrible thing and I really feel bad for you if you are still in love with your spouse, but know they want a divorce. If this is the case you need to get to therapy right away. Suggest to your spouse that the two of you get some counseling. Maybe there are issues that your spouse does not want to communicate to you directly. If there is a neutral third party helping the conversation along, you might find that the marriage can be salvaged. Hell, you two married each other. It will be a lot cheaper if you can figure out a way to live happily with each other.

You must take your blinders off and understand that the signs are going to be there if your spouse is unhappy or considering a divorce, you need to look for them. I knew almost right away, but my situation was totally nuts. There were signs that I should have never married her, but I did anyway thinking that things would get better over time.

If your marriage is having problems, go to a marriage counselor. There is bound to be one local to where you live. This will serve a couple of purposes. First, the two of you might actually figure something out and decide to work on things. Staying together has obvious benefits. Second, if you are pretty sure that things are not going to work out you still need to go to a marriage counselor. This will send the message that you tried everything to keep the marriage intact. Save all appointment records and be sure keep the receipts.

If you go to a marriage counselor be sure to stay involved, listen to what the person has to say and keep the lines of communication open. You must be cooperative, and are there for the benefit of your family, etc. Do not get angry when the counselor spends more time listening to your spouse and seems to take their side. Never get into an argument in the room, do not be confrontational at all. You are a good person and a friend to everyone.

I brought up the subject of marriage counseling with my wife. We decided that it would be a good idea, and agreed that we would leave it up to her to make the appointment. I thought there was no point in me both bringing up the subject and making the appointment. It would have been a completely one-way street. I wasn’t going to force her to do anything she didn’t want to do. In the end, she never made the appointment and we never went to speak with a professional. I made sure to document the fact that I brought up the subject, we agreed and it was up to her to make the appointment!

Did my wife know that I wanted to divorce her? Probably, but I am positive that she wanted to divorce me as well. Most men will stay married for the benefit of the kids; I was no different in this regard. Women are more likely to harbor resentment brought about from feelings of “growing apart” or “not feeling appreciated or wanted.” If you notice signs that your marriage may be on the rocks, bring it up. However, if you want to divorce even though things are OK around the house, you might want to get some therapy on your own to try to figure out what may be causing these feelings.

You have to stay calm and cordial during the period leading up to the separation. I was able to manage to stay friendly because I got it into my head that my life was going to change in a drastic way and there was little I could do about the coming change. There is nothing you or I can do about change, the only thing you have control of at this pre-separation point is your actions.

You must remove emotion from the process so you can think clearly.

I know this might sound ridiculous, but you are going to have to remove all emotion from the process. You remain passionate about your kids, but the rest falls by the side. Be prepared to lose, or negotiate away, all assets other than the marital home. And as far as the sexual relationship with your spouse, ditch it -- forget about it. Gone. You will not get together with your spouse during the separation for any “sleepovers.” Your concern at this point is retaining what assets you can, keeping your house and keeping the kids.

You must plan for your separation well ahead of time to minimize your risk up front. If things look like they are not going to work, and after you have exhausted all options, put your plan into action.

The first step of your planning stage is to create a documented agreement with your spouse.

Next: The pre-separation agreement